Note to my lover ...continued.

I want to revisit a prior subject. In a "note to my lover" a wrote about issues at home i would like to go back there now.

Well i know you are reading this so i will say thank you for being you. And loving me! You make me mad at times..as i know i do the same to you. I try to listen and try to speak male...though this is hard because i am all woman! I try to always let you know that you are precious to me. My heart beats faster when you walk in the room. When you touch me.... i get warm all over. I could quote 1 million love songs, but they do no justice to how you make me feel. Even when you are forced to deal with all of the conflict and tension that are sometimes a part of my life as a mother of four....you always try to see my point of view. You never expect me to choose between my children's happiness and yours. I think you know that i would choose my children over any living soul...and you respect that. That is something that i need so very much...and i never have to ask! The smile on my face is because I Love My Life....and you are half of that equation. THANK YOU MY LOVE!!!!

The FLU

So last week i got the flu and for a week i was waiting to kill over. Today though i feel so much better......glad i was scheduled for some time off!!! I have not beaten the bug totally but am deffinately on the mend. I got my computer back finally so here i am wondering what to do first.
I guess ill say that this year i opted to not get the flu shot, but from what i hear from the CDC that really does not matter....they were way off on the expected flu strain this season. People keep saying i got the shot...why then did i get the flu. It is an easy answer. The flu shot only really helps if the researchers can manage to predict the evolutionary path of the flu bugs that they have isolated. In this case they were wrong. The vaccine is still worth it's weight in gold though due to the risk of deadly secondary infections caused by exposure to the active virus.
So go ahead and take the ten minutes again next fall to get the shot...if they get it right...you will be a healthier person for it! And no the vaccine does not make you sick!!!!! You only get sick if you have already picked up a similar bug and then your immune system is already on guard..so
you were getting sick already!

Are We Raising A Generation Of Serial Killers?

Yesterday on the school bus ride home my 11 yr. old son was the victim of a horrible verbal and emotional assault. Some older girls age 15,16,and17 began this ugly incident when my son stepped on a backpack owned by one of the girls,witch she had laid in the aisle. He was taunted and teased during the 45 minute bus ride to our home. He was called FAT, PORKY PIG, The GOBBLIN from HARRY POTTER......They even sunk to the level of taking his photo saying i can't balieve he is so ugly and fat.Oh look at his big ears ......you can imagine how devistating this would be to any child...even an adult would have trouble holding back...Hell when i was in school i would have kicked ass until i could not kick anymore!!!!!But in this age of "PEACEFUL RESOLUTION" my young son just sat there and took it! I am so very proud of his humanity and restraint,but at the same time am absolutely furious with the children and espically the bus driver who just let it all happen! I laid in bed and cried for my son who never even shed a tear...
wondering how this could have been allowed to happen.In my home there is a zero tolerance rule when it comes to hateful or demeaning behavior. I would literally beat my child if i knew they acted in such a way. So i must wonder now what damage has been done to my son.Is this behavior what leads to school shootings...terrorism...all of the things we are trying to prevent. My son seems cold to the fact that he has been brutalized.Now don't get me wrong i don't think this incident alone could cause such events...but the accumulative effect of these incidents could easily cause any human to snap.We are desensatizing our children in order to create a more peaceful world. The old saying sticks n stones can break my bones but words can never hurt my has been proven time and again false...bones heal...but the mind when pushed too far ....that can never truely heal. The anger festers and the mind becomes a place where the darkest of thoughts dwell. Yes my friends anger is good and should be expressed! It is instinct to react when one is threatened. When in action is tought as a rule then we are raising a generation of hateful young people who indeed are capable of those dark actions......are you raising a killer.....we all are when we teach our children that it is ok to forget the fragility of the humen mind!Until we remember that our children are human and have human feelings that can indeed be hurt we will all be raising A GENERATION OF SERIAL KILLERS!

My NEVER List

When i decided to accept who i was on the inside i thought i should make a list of NEVERS to live by. The first never was the most obvious to anyone who knew me Never Never Never no matter what never be cold to people like my mother is. This is much harder than it sounds!When i feel hurt i can be down right frigid,and have to remind myself that we are all human. The next never is to never judge another human until i give them a chance. I could miss out on some amazing friendships,not to mention great adventures! I then made a choice to never dwell on the negative
experiences in life because i knew from a very young age that this was a waste of time, feelings, and emotions. The last but most important never was never pass up the chance to love....even when love goes bad there are so very many good lessons it can teach us!After all the bad i have endured and all of the wonder i have seen i still recite this list and remember to never do something on my never list or i will be the one who misses out on living!

A question of faith

As Sunday starts to fade away i find myself pondering the nature of faith and belief. At a very early age i began to question religion in general. I found it difficult to understand the concept of groups of people getting together once or twice a week to listen to someone tell them how to feel.

And listening to the gossip and insults shared between the older folks there i would have trouble understanding how it was ok to do these things directly before and after the preacher man said it was wrong to judge others. It was explained to me (i was raesed christian) that god forgives people who ask and that faith in god meant trying to be better not being perfect. When i questioned this concept due to the actions of the people who were telling me this, The answer that as i grew with god i would understand....well then i knew that something was amiss in this theory of repeated sin and absolution. It soon became apparent to me that i was very different.

When at age 5 i began to have prophetic dreams and waking visions of who people were behind closed doors.This really created some issues with the adults in my life. I started being treated differently in church,school, and even in my own home. I think my mothers christian closed mind
had trouble with the concept of a gifted child so i was seen and treated as a problem child. The church tried to save me. My mom tried to change me. My school tried to tell me that i was only using my imagination too much. Well that led to therapy...church therapy...youth groups. Later it was a defiance disorder.....sleeping pills...a suicide attempt. The attempt on my life was followed by a 30 day hospitol stay..then foster care and lots of really bad judgement. What they did not understand was this "acting out"was a survival instinct.....I was not them and becoming as they
would have killed me. I appriciated my uniqueness and would have done near anything to pcotect
it. After living in a lifetime movie of the week for many years(abusive husband,addiction,struggle)
I found freedom in being odd.
I lived and laughed and loved like there was no tomorrow. I became the person i always knew was hiding deep inside of me. More than anything i fell in love with my humanity.

Note to my lover...

I told you that you hurt my feelings and you acted as if i was not allowed to feel that way. Now i have to wonder if you have any respect for me as a human......or yet alone as your lover.I have been faithful. I have been here for you through thick and thin.I have never asked for anything in return,except your respect and loyalty.Time and time again you have shown me disrespect. I have forgiven you! You offered your help once and expected me to pay you back.Is this what couples are supposed to do? When you are even confronted in the slightest, you get defensive and threaten to end it. That makes me feel as if you are looking for a reason to end things and make it all my fault.If that is the case Just do it and move on.The suspence is killing me! I wonder if you can really live with our differences.You cant wait to get out and i cant wait to get home.You think i'm insecure but you make me feel that way sometimes.You say you think i'm smart but say i am silly when i express my feelings or opinions. Can we really last like this...I am not so sure we can. And for all the bad there is just as much good. Does the good make up for the bad? If so should it?I only hope that you are as willing to hear me , as i am to tell.You are out tonight having a blast, i guess i can't give you that. You want children and i can't give you that either. You wanted to get married then you sobored up and i said ask me when you are sobor That was over a year ago now and you have not asked again....i guess you don't want something that you can't walk away from. I think you need to re think your position and do what you really want to. Not what you like the idea of doing...or feel you need to do. You asked to move in and i said wait until i know for sure...You waited...I said yes and let you in....I also love you enough to let you out.

Love you for ever....even if we can no longer be a we.....Iva