A question of faith

As Sunday starts to fade away i find myself pondering the nature of faith and belief. At a very early age i began to question religion in general. I found it difficult to understand the concept of groups of people getting together once or twice a week to listen to someone tell them how to feel.

And listening to the gossip and insults shared between the older folks there i would have trouble understanding how it was ok to do these things directly before and after the preacher man said it was wrong to judge others. It was explained to me (i was raesed christian) that god forgives people who ask and that faith in god meant trying to be better not being perfect. When i questioned this concept due to the actions of the people who were telling me this, The answer that as i grew with god i would understand....well then i knew that something was amiss in this theory of repeated sin and absolution. It soon became apparent to me that i was very different.

When at age 5 i began to have prophetic dreams and waking visions of who people were behind closed doors.This really created some issues with the adults in my life. I started being treated differently in church,school, and even in my own home. I think my mothers christian closed mind
had trouble with the concept of a gifted child so i was seen and treated as a problem child. The church tried to save me. My mom tried to change me. My school tried to tell me that i was only using my imagination too much. Well that led to therapy...church therapy...youth groups. Later it was a defiance disorder.....sleeping pills...a suicide attempt. The attempt on my life was followed by a 30 day hospitol stay..then foster care and lots of really bad judgement. What they did not understand was this "acting out"was a survival instinct.....I was not them and becoming as they
would have killed me. I appriciated my uniqueness and would have done near anything to pcotect
it. After living in a lifetime movie of the week for many years(abusive husband,addiction,struggle)
I found freedom in being odd.
I lived and laughed and loved like there was no tomorrow. I became the person i always knew was hiding deep inside of me. More than anything i fell in love with my humanity.