For those who are under the impression i am strong...You are in for disappointment..
For the greater part of my life i have busted my ass to support and raise my children. Not just push them until they could hold their own, or even throw money at them so they shut up...Hell No!!! I have tried to instill in them a true and honest life style... I have dealt with the issues most parents ignore thinking that it would make a difference. It seems all i have achieved is tons of stress for me! I am Falling Down, not even sure if i want to try and get back up after the fall has ended. I am in no way saying that my children are not Amazing...indeed they are...just that i feel like all of my trying has been just trying. Ever so slowly wearing me down...slowly wrenching the pleasure from my heart. I do feel as though i have let the ones i was trying so hard to help down. I have worked so hard only to have them unable to cope with the world around them in so many ways. I feel as though they would be better off with the criminals they know as Dads family. How did loving them hurt them? As i am falling down i begin to welcome the pain that we associate with hitting bottom. This is not a cry for help..i am not asking for pity or attention...i really could do without the attention i do get. I am just being honest in telling you that i am fragile as a child and break like the rest of you....the only difference is....there is none...i am simply aware that i am falling down. Falling down with no desire to climb back to my feet simply put just means that when i am done kicking and screaming i will have only one choice...Falling up. So do not bother trying to help me,or talk me through my child like fit, just know that when i am damn good and ready i will allow the falling up just as i did the falling down
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
part one
One day somebody told me that when i grew up i would play an important roll in the changing of the world as we know it. That comment scared me more than i think anything before or since. I was very young and the person who told me that was a very intelligent person who i had a great respect for. For a very long time i tried to trash anything good that came my way. Well...how would you feel? I thought the fate of the world was in my hands! That is like pee your pants kind of pressure! I think my hair started falling out i was so stressed. Well as the days went by i forgot all about those words until i heard them from another more than twenty years later.
After a lifetime of soul searching and debating religion and faith,belonging and belief i found my own path as we all should.It was not until after the birth of my youngest child (now nine) that i heard those words again and so much more. It was in the evening on the day of my youngest son's third birthday party. While enjoying the company of a few close family friends one of them looked at me suddenly as though he had seen a ghost. He rapidly made his excuse and made his exit. After a period of a few weeks the friend approached me about what he experienced the evening of the party. He told me that he had a vision but that at the time he thought he was ill or going mad. We arranged a time to meet and discuss the strange experience.
We sat down over a cup of coffee as we had done many times before. This time everything felt different. He was on a mission. The most important event in his recent life revolved around me and my future. It started with i am not crazy and please don't laugh at me and ended with do believe me? But it was the discussion in between that was unnerving and scary for me. He told me about something he saw in my eyes that evening. Like looking into a pool and seeing a movie. He saw me sitting in the water on a large rock and i appeared to be glowing. The glow emanating from my heart and mind seemed to surround the water and all of it's inhabitants. I did not tell him then that in the oldest biblical and spiritual texts my name translates into Gift from God or depending on the origin Goddess and Protector of The Waters. The idea of his vision indeed left me speechless. But the scary and shocking part was the message he had for me, The time is coming , You are going to be called upon to insight a change in the hearts and minds of all human kind. You will spark a change in the world as we know it.
My head spun as the memory of the first time i had heard those words flooded into my heart and mind. Every little detail of that day came screaming back to me. I actually had to vomit i was so filled with hope and fear. A child like sense of wonder forced me to dig deeper.I began to question every choice i had ever made in my life. Could there be a force behind all of my doubts and fears? Could there be a bigger reason? Could one old woman see all of the events to come when she looked in the eyes of her grand daughter? Could she have really known? Could she be the cause for the skeptic ones visions more than twenty years later?
After a lifetime of soul searching and debating religion and faith,belonging and belief i found my own path as we all should.It was not until after the birth of my youngest child (now nine) that i heard those words again and so much more. It was in the evening on the day of my youngest son's third birthday party. While enjoying the company of a few close family friends one of them looked at me suddenly as though he had seen a ghost. He rapidly made his excuse and made his exit. After a period of a few weeks the friend approached me about what he experienced the evening of the party. He told me that he had a vision but that at the time he thought he was ill or going mad. We arranged a time to meet and discuss the strange experience.
We sat down over a cup of coffee as we had done many times before. This time everything felt different. He was on a mission. The most important event in his recent life revolved around me and my future. It started with i am not crazy and please don't laugh at me and ended with do believe me? But it was the discussion in between that was unnerving and scary for me. He told me about something he saw in my eyes that evening. Like looking into a pool and seeing a movie. He saw me sitting in the water on a large rock and i appeared to be glowing. The glow emanating from my heart and mind seemed to surround the water and all of it's inhabitants. I did not tell him then that in the oldest biblical and spiritual texts my name translates into Gift from God or depending on the origin Goddess and Protector of The Waters. The idea of his vision indeed left me speechless. But the scary and shocking part was the message he had for me, The time is coming , You are going to be called upon to insight a change in the hearts and minds of all human kind. You will spark a change in the world as we know it.
My head spun as the memory of the first time i had heard those words flooded into my heart and mind. Every little detail of that day came screaming back to me. I actually had to vomit i was so filled with hope and fear. A child like sense of wonder forced me to dig deeper.I began to question every choice i had ever made in my life. Could there be a force behind all of my doubts and fears? Could there be a bigger reason? Could one old woman see all of the events to come when she looked in the eyes of her grand daughter? Could she have really known? Could she be the cause for the skeptic ones visions more than twenty years later?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Untitled
The flicker of the tiny flame that lights the tattered walls. The scent of healing Lavender that soothes the weary soul.The purity of ocean salt keeps the dark at bay.The nature of humanity that the goddess guide your way.I wish for you a flint to warm the winter night.I wish for you the sight to never miss a thing.I wish for you an insight to the souls who pass you by.I wish for you the power to fight the moral fight.