A question of rationality part 3 ( the answer)

After a long struggle with the fears and feelings of shame and inadequacy. The anger and confusion that almost destroy me I begin to feel something new. I can't describe it but it lingers and slowly turns to sadness.

 This new stage is mourning. But what am I mourning?

 I am mourning my own shame because this shift in self is because I found the answer. The answer it that I stopped trying to retionalize something totally irrational and beyond my control.

 The simple fact is that a rational mind cannot grasp irrational behavior . I am empowered by my own rationality. None of this was ever my problem. I convinced myself it was, quite irrationally so.

A question of rationality part 2 ( self doubt)

 The self doubt aspect. Why is this person so mean to me? What have I done to deserve this? I must be a terrible human being! I do not deserve to be happy! I keep changing my reactions but nothing helps... I am so stupid. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I have changed my entire life, routines, friends, activities but you still don't trust me! What more can I do to make you feel better! How can I impower you so you feel more secure? 

And then finally, I give up. I will just sit back and pray for an answer. I am just the worst, I am a failure!

And one day all of those feelings become anger, animosity and maybe even hate.

A question of rationality (The question)

For years I have been trying to figure out how to cope with the irrational behavior of another person. It has been making me crazy. I felt like I must have been doing something to cause this behavior. For the past few years I have been walking on eggshells while trying to curb my actions ( because this had to be about me). Making decisions based on the reactions of another is exhausting. 

 This has to be part of being an adult, right? Learning to compromise and finding ways to interact that won't create even more emotional trauma? Suffering through seemingly endless feelings of guilt and mistrust? This has to be normal and I must be unstable right?!?