Today

Today i am sick and the goddess is not a happy one....It is cold and raining. I have this deep urge to pack up my car and drive south until i hit 80 degree temps...With Lot's of SUN. The last few winters have put me into depression...like all winter long. My sport beaten joints are screaming....WARM SUN PLEASE! OH i guess whining won't help though. I sometimes wonder if i am allergic to cold...ha ha. I really want to write some amazing, warm, happy story for you to read....but i am chilled to the core. I tried looking at some pictures from last summers outdoor fun but no luck.I think i will just curl up with a big bowl of soup and a heavy blanket...sounds warm to me. But before i go for the afternoon.....Love to all my family and friends...i may be a bit psycho now but picture me when it is 90 degrees and i am still wearing long sleeves....that is really psycho!

Stillness

Today i need nothing other than stillness. My mind is racing...so is the pace i have been moving for quite some time now. I am so tired of trying to read the people around me.It is so draining when people won't just say what they are thinking. And no...not what they think you want to hear. We make living much more like work when we hold back our true thoughts and wishes. I mean why pretend...we could really be missing out on some amazing and insightful conversations. So now i will go and find a quiet place and just be still. No tv or radio....no nothing,just me and the stillness.

Hate?

I had a conversation today about different types of prejudiced. The conversation was with a co-worker. I feel relieved that i am not alone in my thoughts. I believe that human beings should have come far enough in our evolution that race,sexual preference,religion, should be a non-issue! But still we judge. All of us are guilty in some way. I have a tendency to judge those who are not as open minded as myself. I have a philosophy that no human should be hated for anything other than their actions. So in turn i judge the "HATERS". I am unsure of where to draw the line. I know that if intuition says stay away...i do. Other than that i try to accept others as they are. I find that if we embrace our anger and other negative feelings...we can then learn from them. We are taught to hate. Born free of judgement,and free of others influences. Born with an amazing capacity to love. A desire we call curiosity. A desire to bond with others. If only we as adults could embrace that youthful appreciation of humanity.

Weekend atlast!!!!

Hey,Hey have fun it is Friday! Today is commonly known as good Friday....so spread the love! Get your rune charmed eggs ready for burial......and enjoy the first weekend of spring.Onion snow tomorrow!!!! Get to planting!

I AM" ALTERNATIVE" IN THE FLESH

Some of my co-workers recently found out that i am WICCAN. My alternative lifestyle has raised allot of questions recently...some,well most are afraid to ask....but the rumor mill always runs full circle.
I will address some of the questions that those who were afraid to ask me, have asked others.
Ok..Do i believe in god?....no.
Do i worship the devil? ...no I do not believe in the notion of the christian God or Devil.....there is no Lil man with horns and pitch fork.
Do i preform sacrifices....BIG NO...that would kill me.
Do i allow my children to celebrate christian holidays?...IN a way yes.


It would be easier to tell you the foundations of my belief system....

Harm none...even negative thoughts toward another being could harm them.
Never dabble...always make informed decisions...your life depends on it.
Never impose your will on another.
Personal gain never comes without hard work.
Getting your hands dirty reminds you of all the gifts we are given.
To grow anything is to give something back.
You own your mistakes,wear them and remember.
Negative breeds only more negative.
Positive action and thought will get you every where.
Hate is wasted energy.
Anger is human.
Sometimes inaction is the best action.
The only thing you will ever really own is your behavior.
Love is the greatest gift you can give your enemies.

FOR ANTHONY

For my child i thank the stars. For his life i thank the Earth and all of it's wonders.
And to my amazing son, Anthony.....

As you have grown from a tiny baby into a wonderful young man, you have taught me as much about love as i have you. When you were born and they took you away to warm you and make sure you were going to be OK, i was so very afraid. Your birth was so difficult, your tiny body cold and blue, taught me just how fragile our existence is. In the night when i would hold you, I would dream of the man you would grow to be. All of the opportunities waiting for you, all of the fun you will have. All of those dreams pale in comparison to the endless love i have for you! And now for the first time we will be apart..but my son i hope you realize that we are in each others hearts. I will never love you less.. just because we are apart. You will always be right next to me, we never really part. I am sure this will be scary..this move you did not choose to make..but i am right here my child this bond can never break! So if you are sad or lonely...or just wish i were around, Remember hugs and kisses... and that ill always be around.

A SAD DAY!

So today my son will go to live with his father. I am so very mixed about this. I know that even if i do not approve of many of the things my ex does...he truly loves our son. For the last 12 years with the exception of visits to dad's house...I have been the only constant in his life. I miss him so much and we have just begun our time apart. As a realist i know that there are things in a boy's life that only a father can teach....but at the same time, it is like cutting out half of my heart. All that i have done for 18 years now has been based on what is best for my children...and in the last 7 mts. two of my children have moved out. My eldest just grew up and flew the coop. A very sad thing but i did my job to the best of my ability when it comes to raising her. Oh but my not so little boy.....moving in with his dad......this really hurts! I hope that all of the energy in the universe will be there to protect and keep him.

Life mates

Do you ever think that humans were never meant to have life long mates? I wonder sometimes. Though i am extremely loyal and totally opposed to infidelity in any type of relationship.. i know that 60 % of people are not. Scary number huh! true love is not a concept that i can not really understand. But can any human. I know that when you choose to give yourself to another, it should be a 100% commitment. But if it fails or goes bad..as long as you are honest and end your situation...there is nothing matter with moving on. If you have children you should be very careful not to hurt them in the process. I have been there! My children though have always come first! Just ask my boyfriend..hahaha! I do however leave room for respecting my mate. I am not sure that my man sees things the same way...he always seems to be waiting to see what is around the next corner....not so committed! But i believe he is loyal in the physical aspect. Just not as much in the mental aspect. I think this is normal for most men though. I always here women say that their men have cold feet when it comes to commitments of the mind and spirit.
I hope i am not just being naive. I have to trust that it is all a venus and mars thing....what do you think?

All the small things.

I wish there was a way to change all of the little things we don't like about other people and not change the person. I have all my own flaws to deal with...that is for sure! Would that be cool or what! To stop your lover from doing that one little annoying thing that you just can't stand! I must admit though the little annoyances in those we love are usually what attracts us to them initially. We see them as funny until we live with them for a while. And let us be real...If you love someone you don't really want them to change. Maybe we need to adapt. We need to realize that our little differences are what makes us beautiful. Not only do we need them we thrive on them! Opposites do attract!

I know that in my own relationship there are major differences between the two of us. Sometimes i think that those differences will be the end of us. I don't feel the need to look at other men... and when i am not around sometimes he looks a bit too hard....But i think that this is quite normal. And i know he loves me. No i don't like it....but i am after all..not him. So i trust that it is all in fantasy...if not he can go chase whoever he wants to. Just not while we share a home and life.

We also share different religious beliefs. This can definitely cause some issues. We are in fact fundamentally opposites. I am wiccan..he is christian. I respect all life..he looks out for his own interests. I have faith in humanity..he has doubts. I think about tomorrow..he lives in the moment. I am green.... he is..... Well if he even knew, i would tell you.

But we live, laugh, love and share together. Together..that is the ticket!

For my friends...

If i tell you anything about myself i consider you a friend...that means all of the people i work with too! I try to surround myself with good hearted people. I think that for the most part i have achieved that goal. Each of the people i share with should feel complimented because...i love you all and you all have a special place in my heart.

I want...

I want to feel like i am the queen for just a moment. I want to make more money at my job so i don't have to leave it....i do love my job! I want my loved ones to be happy! I want warm weather and sun for a week! I want a house plant that my dog won't die from if he eats it. I want to lay by the ocean and not worry about getting a sun burn! I want my man to decide what he wants from his life and fight for it! I want to not feel like my heart is in limbo! I want to take a nap and not be bothered! I really want world peace! I want to be able to have dreams like someone who is not such a realist. I want it to be OK to want these things...and not be looked at so oddly. Oh yes and i want my dog to scoop his own poo! Last but not least i want all of the people in my life to know piece of mind and that i will always love them.

Feeling Blue

I am feeling blue today even though it is beautiful outside. Yes i know get out and enjoy it!!! Yeah yeah...I'll get right on it.
Some things are bothering me that i really don't think need to be talked about. Why can't people let it at that? I am just in a quiet mood and got lots on my mind. I don't think a day without a smile will kill me!
I know that people are not used to seeing me like this and to those of you who read this.....I'M SORRY! I do how ever appreciate their concern. Some of them may need to consider that their actions are part of my problem. I really don't like it when someone tries to bullshit me ...duh we all have our little tells! I spent far to long living with little lies and omissions. I would rather be alone forever than be deceived for even a moment! Remember folks.. i have brain damage I'm not stupid! How can you look at yourself in the mirror and not want to smash it. My man says he has hidden things from me in the past because of how i get/am......What is wrong with demanding respect when i have earned it!?.. Yes lies really piss me off and omissions are still lies! If i treated people in such a way i don't think i could live with my self. Yes those little things really do hurt me. I am a single mother and i work too hard for too little money,No that does not make me special But it damn sure means i have earned some respect. I have never sucked off the system....or stolen to get ahead....I don't lie or play with other peoples emotions. I think it is my turn to relax a bit and enjoy the little time that i have!